On the eve of the “end of the world” I tweeted this:
If this is my last night on earth I should have stopped for potato chips and dip on the way home
— suzanne (@soozed) December 20, 2012
Of course, I meant it as a joke, but there was a lot of truth in it as well. For as long as I can remember, food has been put into “good” and “bad” categories for me.
It began the day I went on my first diet. Oh, how I wish I could turn back the clock and do it all over again. I would look in the mirror and instead of seeing the faults and imperfections of that 21-year-old girl, I would embrace the positive aspects of what I saw. I would not listen to comments from a then-boyfriend. Of course, he is long gone, but the demons remain. Not that I blame him entirely – we all make our own choices in life. I only wish I could let this one go. Forever.
I wonder how many seconds, minutes, hours of my adult life I’ve spent thinking about “good” and “bad” food or my weight. Perhaps if I really knew, it would send me into a tailspin of epic proportions. Lost time. Self-destructive thoughts. Such a waste.
I look back at pictures of the young girl that I was and can’t believe that I ever thought I needed to “diet.” I’m a little over 5’9” and was wearing a size 8 at that time. Do you understand what that means? I was completely normal…better than normal actually.
I would warn myself how dieting will completely screw with my metabolism – a lifelong consequence made more complicated by a sedentary job, life stresses, and now, menopause.
The cruelest irony is that for all that time I spent obsessing about what I ate, my weight actually creeped up. And the more I worried about it, the worse it got. A couple years ago, I wrote about that time in my life, so I won’t go into it again now. Suffice it to say, that was not the happiest time.
It took years to for me to understand the mind/body/weight/self-esteem issue. And making that connection helped me to get back to “normal” again. But I also know that I still spend far too much time thinking about these issues. I don’t think that will ever go away, no matter how much I understand the futility of doing so. About a year ago, I found the weight creeping up again. Not anywhere near where it had once been, but enough to send red flags flying all over the place.
So I did what has worked for me so many times before: write down everything I eat (I now use MyFitnessPal), weigh myself every day, and exercise. And it worked. Again. This is truly the only proven way to succeed: move more, eat less. It’s not about any “diet”…it’s about lifestyle and making the right choices.
How I wish I didn’t have to be so disciplined every damn day. But all those years ago, when I started on this roller coaster, I set the agenda for every day that was to come, and I have to live with that. And I guess I’m ok with it; it is what it is.
The past couple weeks have been rough for me, and I find old habits creeping back in. Stress is a powerful influence. That demon is once again sitting on my shoulder, pushing me to make incorrect choices. The difference now is that I recognize it and act quickly, before it spirals out of control.
I’ve put a couple daily reminders for myself to pop up on my calendar: Stay Strong. Avoid Temptation.
Is that a dorky thing to do? Yep. But it helps to keep me on track. Whatever it takes, yes?
This is not about looking a certain way. It’s about the way I feel. How carrying less weight makes me feel stronger, physically and emotionally. How carrying less weight makes it easier to ride a bike. And how guiding my own destiny makes me happier, instead of being a puppet to influences out of my control.
For me, finding balance in life is what’s important. And that means keeping my demons at bay.
The rest will fall into place.